Of All The Poisoned Apples...

[167.]

2009-12-10T05:54:54Z

Well, eff.
I hate these moods.
I feel like NOTHING is going right, nothing at all.
I have one week left, and then Christmas break.
After that, just a few more months to push through until graduation.
I'm probably staying in the Springs, moving in with Ally, of all people, and going to PPCC.
I just don't know what else to do.
I need to go job hunting over the break.
I feel like shit, i'm not inspired to go to school atfuckingall. I just want to stay in bed.
I don't want to see Bobby every day, and know that everything we shared is a lie in his eyes. I don't want to see the people who talk shit about me and lie, every single day, because they all, for some reason, think they're so much fucking better than me.
Which they aren't.
I know that.

That school holds nothing for me anymore.
I don't want to be there, at all.
Even band is hard, because of the people there.
My good friends are outside of my school, Ally is the only on in school (well Sam is too but I barely talk to her outside of band); I know, she's a good friend to me yet again. She cried in front of me, because she felt so bad about the Bobby thing, she cried to me for weeks on the phone about how sorry she was, and I forgave her. I know, I'm too forgiving and i'm probably a dumbass. Oh well.
Ready? here's all my friends.
Wesley (who is all the way in New York)
Patrick (who has his own shit to worry about, and is usually too busy to me)
Connie (who has her Jonathan and needs to live her own life and not worry about my issues)
Sam
Ally
Jon (who I barely talk to)
Arielle (who is my friend I just have fun with)
Nicole (who I barely talk to)
Lizi (who I barely talk to)
and
Bryce (who I only talk to during Psych)

Well.
that's a pretty short list to me.
oh well.
I can't do anything about it.
So i'm going to try to stop worrying about it.
Try being the key word.

[163.]

2009-10-27T23:13:18Z

Which character from any film, television show, or book would you most like to take on a date and why?

Submitted By blue_mariposa88

View 2283 Answers

HARRY JAMES POTTER!!

No, he's not married to Ginny anymore.
he's mine, mine, mine.
<3333

And I would ask him, because I know him, I know who he is and I absolutely adore him!

Yes, I am a complete dork.
I realize that.

And if Harry said no, I'd take Mr.Erik Night.

[161.]

2009-10-06T05:29:16Z

This is the short story I'm writing for Creative Writing, I think it's going excellent so far. I'll post it again once it's a completed project.
AND. Comments are GREATLY appreciated.

Spilled Innocence

Chapter One - Anguish

“Elizabeth!”
“Elizabeth Anne, wake up!”
Her lips are blue, her eyes are nothing more than mirrors. There is no emotion in my daughter’s eyes. She cannot be dead. The deep trail of crimson drifting further and further down the river cannot be her blood.
I lift my Elizabeth out of the bone-chilling water, and carry her to the house. My wife later told me that I was talking nonsense when I burst through the front door, our dead daughter in my arms.
“Matthew!” my wife, Haille yelled.
“Matthew, what happened to her? Where did you find her? For God’s sake, is that BLOOD?”
I couldn’t find words. They stayed clogged in my lungs. I heard a hysterical sound, a wailing that clearly spoke of loss and anguish. I hadn’t realized the sound was coming from me.
My wife immediately took action, she phoned the police and told them a murder had occurred, there would be no need for an ambulance.
I thought, Haille, why is there no need for an ambulance? Can’t they fix Elizabeth? Haille came to me after hanging up with the police.
“Haille! We do need an ambulance. They have to fix Elizabeth, they can, right?”
These words rushed from my lips, I was barely aware that I was even speaking them.
“They will be here in around forty-five minutes. Matthew, where did you find her? Why on Earth didn’t you leave her body where you found it? Don’t you realize that now the police don’t have as much evidence since you moved her body form the scene?”
I still couldn’t find the right words, or how to make them speak. Why was Haille speaking like that? Shouldn’t she be crying? I could still feel the tears leaking from my eyes. Then again, maybe she is thinking she has to be composed for when the police show up.
“Matthew, lay her body on the rug. You’re soaked. Did you find her body by the river?”
“She was in the river Haille. There was so much blood. Haille, I couldn’t see the laughter in her eyes. How could this have happened to our Elizabeth? Who would do this to her?”
It was like opening a floodgate. The haunting image of staring into my daughter’s emotionless face came to the front of my vision. I looked to Haille for answers, but her face had none. It was like looking at a mask. She, too, had no emotion. A knock at the door pulled me from my thoughts.
I heard a voice, “Are you Mrs. Haille Kuhn? You made the call about a homicide?”
“Yes. My daughter’s corpse is through the hall, on the rug.”
I realized that I was still sitting on the rug, holding my daughter. I couldn’t relinquish my grip on her. I heard the police officer talking, but I couldn’t hear what he said.
“MATTHEW!” Haille screamed.
I blinked, attempting to focus.
“Yes, Haille?” I didn’t look up at her. I kept my gaze on my daughter, afraid that f I looked away form her, I would lose her forever. I committed her every detail to memory. The way that her eyes lit up when she smiled, the way her laugh sounded like the tinkling of bells.
“Mr. Kuhn? Can you tell me when and where you found your daughter?”
My thoughts of my daughter were interrupted.
“My daughter?” I asked.
“Yes, Matthew. Your dead daughter.” Haille spat at me.
“My daughter.” I repeated.
I started to sob. I was slowly realizing the impossible. My beautiful, innocent daughter was gone. I didn’t know what else to think about besides Elizabeth.
“Mr. Kuhn? Perhaps we should go to the kitchen, have a cup of coffee, and we can start to get to the bottom of what happened to your daughter.”
“No. I can’t leave her.” I defiantly stated.
“Matthew, for God’s sake. Listen to Officer Williams, there is nothing you can do for Elizabeth now. She’s gone, okay? Get up!” Haille pounded these words in my head.
I leaned down to my daughter’s face, I kissed her forehead, and said, “I will never leave you, my sweet Elizabeth. You have my heart with you.”
This was not a goodbye, I could never say that to her.
“Okay,” I whispered. I took a calming breath, or attempted to, and walked like an intoxicated man to the kitchen table. I sat down and gazed at my hands, not really seeing them.
Haille put a cup in front of me and ordered, “Drink.”
I sipped the drink, not tasting it, not feeling the hot coffee travel to my stomach. I heard the radio on Officer Williams’ chest beep. A voice said, “Sending in the coroner for body inspection.” I didn’t get the meaning of these words.
“Mr. Kuhn? Where did you find your daughter’s body?” Officer Williams asked.
“My daughter?” I repeated again.
“Yes, Mr. Kuhn, your daughter. Where did you find her?”
The images of the blood running down the river, how it made an absurd stain over her abdomen.
“Blood. There was so much blood.” This was all I could manage to muster.
“Where was the blood, Mr. Kuhn?”
“The water, at the water.” I said.
“Can you take me?” Officer Williams calmly questioned.
“Yes, he can take you. Matthew, get up. You need to take the officer to the place you found Elizabeth.” Haille said.
I didn’t say anything, I just got to my feet and began to walk to the river.
It took a long time, the sun was setting as we got to the bank.
I looked down, and could still see Elizabeth lying there, face up in the river.

Chapter Two - Suspect

I didn’t feel my knees give out, but somehow I was on my knees at the river’s bank. I was crying hysterically. Officer Williams awkwardly stood over me, as if he wasn’t used to hysterics.
I begged for my Elizabeth, I blamed God, I blamed Haille, but most of all, I blamed myself. If I hadn’t gone to work early that day, I could have taken her to school, ensured her safety. She wouldn’t have been taken from me then. I heard a noise, a voice speaking. I forced myself to pull my head out of the sea of pain, loss, and confusion I was in to listen. Officer Williams knelt by me.
He asked, “Mr. Kuhn, do I need to send after a doctor to get you something for shock? I know this is extremely difficult, but we need your cooperation so we can find out who killed your daughter.”
I sat there, absorbing his words. I needed to do this, I told myself. Get a hold of yourself! Haille needs you in a time like this. You need to ensure that Elizabeth can rest in peace.
I stood, a little shaky at first, and turned to Officer Williams.
“There’s no need for any medication. I need to do this for my Elizabeth. I found her here, in the water. You can see where part of the bank gave way and fell into the river, I’m not sure if that was before I took her from the water. Will people be coming to investigate?” I finished, holding back every ounce of pain and loss I felt.
“Thank you, Mr. Kuhn. You can go back to your house now and put a change of clothes on. The detectives will need the clothes you’re wearing now for evidence. We will also need you to tell us exactly what you saw today.”
“Okay,” I said. I began to walk towards the house. I passed the swing set Elizabeth used to play on. The vision of my little girl asking me to push her higher and higher on the swing came to my mind. Tears falling thickly down my face, I walked into the house. I didn’t see Haille, she must be with Elizabeth’s body, I thought. I climbed the stairs and opened the door to my bedroom.
I picked random clothing from my dresser and blindly undressed. I felt as if I was shedding off pieces of my humanity with the clothing. I knew that I would never be the same man. I no longer had a heart.
The rest of the day passed quickly. I gave the police my statement, and ate a small dinner with Haille. I am so thankful for her in this time of hardship. She helps me to think clearly. It was after dinner, we had gone up to our room. I decided to read a novel, an escape from reality. Haille sat in the bed with me, a somber expression on her face.
“Matthew,” she uttered.
I put the marker in my book and turned to my wife.
“Yes, Haille?” I asked.
“I have to tell you something, and I hope you will not think differently of me after I do,” she said.
“Haille Rachelle, I would never think of you differently. You are my wife and I love you.” I told her, imagining what it could possibly be that she needed to tell me.
“I, well.” she started, gazing at me with a look of loss. “I was married before I met you. A man named John Whitlock was my husband.”
“Why are you telling me this now, Haille?” I was relatively shocked. I never kept anything from my wife, and up to this point, I didn’t think she hid anything from me either.
“John was a bad husband. He wanted me to be the perfect wife. I got pregnant three years into our marriage, but the baby was a still born. John wouldn’t believe it. He wanted that baby so badly. He said it was my fault. I wasn’t good enough to bear his child, and that’s why they took the baby away. See, he still believed that our baby was alive. After months of him asking where our baby was, why hadn’t our baby come home yet, I told him I’d had enough. I filed for divorce and hadn’t heard from him, until a couple weeks ago.”
“What are you saying, Haille? Did this man have something to do with what happened to Elizabeth?” I asked, confused.
My gut told me that this man was somehow responsible for what happened to my daughter, I didn’t know why. I always trusted my gut though, so I was getting angry.
“I don’t know Matthew. John sent me two letters in the past weeks. I’ll let you see them. I didn’t think it was a problem, and I didn’t need you knowing about my past, so I kept it to myself.”
She went to her desk and opened the bottom drawer. She brought the two letters to me. I slowly slid the first one out of the envelope, it read:

August 2, 2009
Haille,
Nice to see you’re doing so well without me. I see that man you’re with now. He must be nice. I just wanted to say that I miss you and you need to come home. You are still my wife Haille, you made a life commitment to me, and I expect you to hold up to that standard.
You have been away from home long enough, you have robbed me of raising our daughter, and I will not let this continue.
It’s time for you to come home, bring our daughter too.
Love,
John.

“Haille, did you reply? How did he know where you are?” I asked as I opened the next letter.
“I don’t know how he found me Matthew, and no, I didn’t say anything back. This one he sent a week ago.”

August 24, 2009
Haille,
You have my daughter. I watch her play on that pretty swing set you have in the yard. Why did you take her from me, Haille? Why did you run away with her? This man you’re with now is nothing compared to me. You know that Haille. That isn’t really his daughter, she’s ours. Does he know that?
You have until next week to bring our daughter home, or I will do something about it.
You have my address.
Love,
John.

“Why, in God’s name, didn’t you tell me Haille?! Don’t you see? He murdered our daughter! I could have protected her from this psychopath!” I yelled, furious at this woman I sadly called my wife.
“I don’t think he did, Matthew. He is a little off of his rocker, yes. He’s harmless though. He would have realized in time that Elizabeth wasn’t really his daughter!” she pleaded.
“No, Haille. He murdered Elizabeth. I know it,” I spoke these words with utter confidence and hatred. I knew in my heart this man took my daughter form me. Haille kept this from me, didn’t tell me that there was this insane man who believed my Elizabeth was his daughter. Just then, a thought dawned on me.
“Haille, why didn’t you tell anyone this man is crazy? He’s clearly insane. He believed your dead baby was still alive.”
“Matthew, I did love him. I couldn’t let him be locked up in some madhouse for an eensy problem like this.”
“An eensy problem? YOU BITCH! Is it an “eensy problem” that our daughter is dead? I know that he killed her, Haille. I have this feeling, I just know.”
“Matthew, if you decide to go after John, I’m leaving you. This is too much for me. I didn’t tell the police he’s crazy. They’ll blame this on me. Just leave it be Matthew, it won’t bring her back. Nothing will.”
Haille started to cry, she pleaded for me to stop this madness.
“You might want to start packing, you ungrateful excuse of a wife and mother.”

Chapter Three - Seclusion

I used the entire night to plan how I was going to track down our Mr. Whitlock. I already knew the address he was staying at, a motel in town. I needed to find this man, to make him pay for taking my daughter from me.
Haille stayed in bed. At five thirty in the morning, I got up and made myself coffee. I sat at the kitchen table, contemplating the path I chose. I would seek revenge on this lunatic who took my pride and joy from me. At six thirty, Haille came downstairs. Her eyes were puffy, she had been crying. She poured herself a cup of coffee and sat across from me at the table.
“Please, Matthew…” she started.
How absolutely pathetic she sounds, I thought. My anger flared at how she could still be so calm, when she knew that this man had taken our daughter’s life.
“Haille, you are not going to stop me. It’s your fault Elizabeth is gone. You know that, right?”
I drew this conclusion resolutely as I contemplated the path I was walking down. If Haille had phoned a psychiatrist while she was with John, he would be a healthy, mentally sound individual now.
Except she didn’t. She let the psychopath remain in society, and allowed him to now kill my daughter.
Haille looked at me, the expression on her face was the equivalent of me slapping her back-handed across her face.
“Matthew! I loved Elizabeth. I didn’t know this could happen. John never seemed capable of this violence.”
I gazed at Haille, not really recognizing her as the woman I married fifteen years ago. I was sitting across from a stranger. Someone I couldn’t recognize. She should be righteously angry at this man for taking our Elizabeth, yet she sat here, defending the bastard.
“Shouldn’t you be packing, Haille?” I spat the words at her.
“Don’t make me leave Matthew. I’m sure that John didn’t do it. I want to stay here with you. Look, we can start over, we can have another baby,” she pleaded.
“How DARE you! Since Elizabeth is gone, it’s okay to just have another baby? Act like I didn’t lose my only child? You’re a selfish bitch, Haille. Get out of my house.”
She ran upstairs crying.
I sat at the table, fuming. She really couldn’t have expected me to let go of my Elizabeth that easily. She descended the stairs an hour later, her suitcase packed, her eyes still leaking.
“I’ll be staying at my sister’s house in Salida. Call me if you think I can come home. I love you, Matthew.”
She stood in anticipation of my words.
I said nothing, there was nothing to say to her. She left through the back door.
I never said goodbye.

~
The police came back at nine o’clock. They had the results of Elizabeth’s autopsy. She died of two stab wounds to the abdomen. I asked Officer Williams if she died quickly. He bluntly told me that she likely felt all of the pain as she bled out.
I thought to myself, I am going to make this man who killed my daughter suffer. He doesn’t deserve to be alive.
I kept thinking to myself, what kind of monster would rob a family of their innocent child? How could something like this even be fathomable? I knew that I had to take this opportunity. To take from that man what he took form me, his life. Elizabeth was my entire life, like any good parent, I lived to make my daughter happy, to give her the best. I knew from the day she was born that she deserved the world, and I planned to give her whatever I could of it. I loved Elizabeth more than I ever loved anyone, she was my baby girl, my everything. My perfect, innocent, beautiful daughter, and now she was gone.

~

I went to bed early that night, thinking of another day ahead of me…plotting my revenge against this horrible man who took my daughter. I took two weeks off of work, they understood that losing my daughter was a real tragedy. I didn’t even worry about my job anymore, I figured that I would eventually be caught for murdering this man, and I didn’t mind that I would spend the rest of my life in prison. I knew that I had nothing else to live for, except this one last thing I could do for my Elizabeth. I was haunted by a horrible dream, where I was chasing my Elizabeth outside in the shallow trees next to the house, she kept yelling “Daddy, Daddy, I need you!” I saw the white fringe of her dress, swishing through the trees, I chased after her, searching and searching, screaming until my throat and lungs ached…and I never found her.
I woke in a cold sweat, and checked the clock. It was five in the morning. I figured that was excuse enough to get up.
I sat in the house the entire day.
It was so bewildering, to not hear Elizabeth’s laughter ringing from her play room, making her favorite breakfast for her, even seeing that puppy-dog look she got in her eyes when I tried to make her eat carrots with her lunch.
I made lunch for myself, and ate alone.
I realized that I was truly in this alone, I saw this insane man for what he was, a brutal, selfish killer. I sat in the kitchen and contemplated my plans. I needed to act before Mr. John Whitlock decided to skip town.
It was while I was going over my revenge plot that I heard a soft knocking at the back door.

Chapter Four - Surprise

I pulled the butcher’s knife from it’s holder by the sink, and crept towards the back door. The sun was beginning to go down, setting the sky ablaze with color. I peek through the curtain over the French doors, and saw Haille laying there, blood seeping onto the deck from under her.
“Haille!” I screamed. I threw caution to the wind, and threw open both doors. I ran to her side, and gazed at her. She looked horrible, she was unhealthily pale, her eyes had great dark circles under them, as if she hadn’t slept for days.
She whispered, “Matthew,” and then passed out.
I dropped the butcher’s knife onto the porch and carried my unconscious wife into the kitchen. I laid her on the floor as gently as I could, and on shaky feet, I ran to the phone to dial 911.
“What is your emergency?”
“It’s my wife! She’s bleeding a lot, and is really pale. She’s lost consciousness.”
At that point, the line cut off.
I could only hope that the police had been able to track my address and would be at the house soon.
Haille began to stir on the floor, I rushed to her immediately and asked what happened to her.
She whispered, “John.”
“Haille! Stay with me!” I yelled at her, probably thinking my volume would get to her better.
“Matthew?” she barely uttered.
“I’m here, Haille. Tell me what happened to you, I need to know how to help you. Why did you come back here? I thought you were staying with your sister in Salida.”
“John, came for me,” she said. “He wanted me to leave town with him. I said I couldn’t leave you, and then he left. I thought that if I came home and finished this once and for all, he would leave you be. He’s more dangerous than I thought. He said he was going to kill me because I made him hurt our daughter. I just didn’t want him to hurt you, Matthew.”
“My arms hurt, Matthew,” she finished.
I could tell this took a lot of energy from her, any color left in her face had disappeared, her skin looked near-transparent. I could see the light starting to leave her eyes.
“Stay with me, Haille!”
I thought for a minute, and realized what she had meant by “finishing it once and for all.”
“Haille, did you do this to yourself?” I was shocked she would do something like this, to think that this was necessary, the only way out.
“Had to…stop him…somehow…” she whispered.
I heard a pounding at the front door.
“Oh, thank God,” I said. The police were finally here, they would take Haille and take care of her. I rushed to the front door and threw it open.
The man standing there had disheveled hair, a crazed look in his eyes. His clothing looked as if it had been worn for weeks, and he said in a calm, steady voice, “Well, hello Matthew. It’s about time we met.”

Chapter Five - Struggle

“Who are you?” I asked, confused on who this man was.
“Oh, come on now, Matthew. You must know who I am. Tell me, how does it feel to know Haille will always love me more? How does it make you feel, knowing your daughter wasn’t really yours?” He said this with a smirk on his face, his eyes were lit up with excitement.
“You.” this was all I could come up with, my vision was tinted red and my hands were shaking with rage. This man had the nerve to come to my house. He had the nerve to come here, after taking my daughter from me, and flaunt my loss.
I took a steadying breath, and calmly stated, “Elizabeth will always be my daughter, taking her life does not make you her father.”
There was a flash of anger in his eyes, and I swear I saw it coming.
His fist landed across my cheekbone, and that was all the stimulant I needed to attack this man, to kill him with my bare hands. He was hitting me left and right, but I didn’t feel any pain. My fist made contact with his nose, and I saw an astounding gush of crimson spurt from the orifice.
He fell to his knees, and I grabbed his head, lifting it slightly. With all the force I could gather, I slammed his head against the wooden floor of the foyer. When I went to repeat the action, he swung his arm around my leg and pulled me to the ground, my head rebounding off the rug. He began to crawl up my chest, blood flowing freely from his nose. He had me pinned to the floor, my arms at my sides. His hands began to close around my throat, and with my leg, I searched for something I could use to defend myself. My foot met the wooden decoration table Haille had insisted on buying when we had first got the house. At the time, I had thought it was ridiculous, but now it could save my life. I hitched my foot around the table, and brought it down towards me. It made contact with his back. He yelped in surprise and relinquished his grip.
I took my opportunity, I punched him in the nose…again. I tucked my knees up, and launched him off of me. He fell staggered backwards, almost in slow-motion, and I hard the deafening crack of his head hitting the door. I stood up and saw that the leg of the table had broken off in my struggle to free myself. I wielded the leg, and mimicked the motion of swinging a baseball bat. I heard the satisfying thud and the whoosh of air expelling from his lungs when the leg hit his abdomen.
I held the table high above my head, ready to hit him with another brutal swing, when I heard the screaming of sirens in the distance.
I gazed through the window next to the door and could see the flashing lights of the ambulance and patrol car winding down the hill to my house. I watched John move, how he moved so swiftly I’m not sure, but he was up on his feet and bolting through the door.
I didn’t stop him.
I knew if he was here when the police arrived, I wouldn’t gain the retribution I so needed.
He ran to the shallow woods, I watched him in the shadow of the porch light as my enemy ran away from me.
I look to the horrid mess in the foyer. I decided that telling the police I was attacked (which was the truth!) would be best. I just wouldn’t tell them that I knew my attacker. Yes, that would fit.
I turned and ran to the kitchen, the memory of Haille lying on the kitchen floor being brought to the front of my mind.
“Haille!” I screamed as I fell to my knees next to her still form.
Her eyes were glued open, and her lips were blue. There was a small pool of blood on the floor beneath her.
“Haille, no! Damn it, stay with me!” I screamed, shaking her.
She didn’t move.
I heard a knock at the door, but I couldn’t break my gaze into Haille’s dead eyes.
“Hello?” I heard a woman’s voice call.
I couldn’t answer.
“Hello? Is everyone alright?” I heard the voice speak.
I hadn’t realized I began to cry, until my vision blurred and I couldn’t see Haille clearly anymore.
A woman and two officers, one of them Officer Williams, came to the kitchen. The woman ran to my side.
“What happened?” she asked.
I whispered, “My wife came to the house, she was bleeding, but I couldn’t tell where from. I carried her in here and laid her on the floor, she passed out. It was then I heard knocking at the door, and I thought it was the police, and I… I was attacked.” While I spoke, the woman started to check on Haille.
“She’s dead.” The woman declared. Her eyes expressed nothing but sympathy for my loss.
“No,” I said.
“I’m sorry, Mr. Kuhn. These are huge losses to face. You daughter and now your wife, I can’t imagine the grief you must feel.” Officer Williams spoke in a grave voice.
“We will need a statement from you,” the un-named officer said.
I blindly told the story, recalling only the details necessary. At about three in the morning, they finally left. I had found out the woman’s name was Kayleigh Tamsen, she was an EMT for the town. She asked most of the questions about Haille, but I didn’t feel like she was interrogating me. She made me feel a little bit better, like one day, I could heal from this.

Chapter Six - Stalling

I took the letters John had sent my wife, and kept them on me. Today was Elizabeth's funeral. I looked at all the people form my town with dry-eyed gazes. I didn't know these people anymore, they all had their lives in tact. I had lost the two most important people in my life in a matter of days. All I wanted to do was to find an escape. I knew I would find comfort in taking John's life, but what would happen afterwards?
Would the police catch me? I wouldn't hide that I did it. I had nothing left here, on the outside. None of it mattered,and if I wasn't caught, what then?
"Matthew, I am so sorry," this sweet voice cut through the ranting in my head. "One day," the voice continued, "One day, Matthew, this is all going to get better. Things will be better for you." She spoke as if she could see right into my soul. It was Kayleigh, the EMT from the night before.
"If you need anything, Matthew, just let me know," she said as she handed me her card.
"Uh, thanks..." I said brilliantly. I knew she couldn't become involved in my struggle for revenge, yet somehow I felt she might understand. i had no clue how to let this woman in, I also didn't know how to block her out. Maybe I needed contact with someone, I thought. I knew that I was talking myself into something I shouldn't, but I didn't care. Even if this woman grew attached to me, her eventual heartbreak wouldn't phase me, or so I told myself. I wished for the world to hurt as much as I did. Her pain would be a part of that.
"Matthew? Hello? Is anyone in there?" Kayleigh was still speaking.
I smiled at her, and thought of how nice she looked.
"Kayleigh, would you like to join me after the service for dinner?" I knew I was going out on a limb, and suddenly, I wanted to go to dinner with her. There was a little spark in me, a part of me that wanted to become closer to this woman.
"I would love that, Matthew," she said with a smile.
After the service, and the burial of my daughter, I went home to shower and change. I realized that I hadn't bathed in over three days, that's disgusting. It was a wonder Kayleigh agreed to dinner with me. I looked about as good as I could, fresh clothes, my hair styled, clean-shaven. I looked alright! There was even a little light in my eyes.
I wondered briefly if it made me a bad person, going out with someone a day after my wife had died. Well, hell. I might as well get something out of this town before i left to find Mr. Whitlock.

~

Kayleigh looked stunning.We had just met up at The Bistro, some new French restaurant on the outskirts of town. Kayleigh was wearing a smoking hot blood-red dress. It framed her body excellently. I was sitting at a booth by the window, and when she gracefully came into the room, I felt alive again. I couldn’t help but to smile at her. She slid into the seat across from me and said, “Matthew, I had no clue that you had such a brilliant smile. I hope I’m part of the reason it’s there.”
“Kayleigh, you’re the only reason I’m smiling. I see a stunning woman who has graced me with her presence, why wouldn’t I be smiling?”
I saw her face light up as I delivered compliment after compliment. In the back of my mind, I felt kind-of bad about being out with this amazing woman while my wife was in the morgue. At the same time, I wondered if I ever really knew Haille She kept an entire part of her life from me. She had lied to me for years, and she had caused the death of my daughter. Thinking of that infuriated me, but I remembered that I was at dinner with a beautiful woman, and I needed to keep my cool.
I made eye contact with Kayleigh, and I thought for a second that she saw the anger that flashed across my features, but then the moment was gone and we were back to our delightful dinner. The waiter brought us wine, some expensive French stuff, and as our dinner arrived we began to delve into a deeper conversation.
“So, Kayleigh, what brings you to Buena Vista? I know you’re relatively new to town, with a beautiful face like yours, I would have remembered seeing you.”
“Oh, Matthew,” she playfully hit my hand, and I twined my fingers through hers. She blushed.
I asked, “Well, Kayleigh, what’s your story?”
I wasn’t completely certain that I wanted to know her story, but I reminded myself that I would be leaving town soon, and I was comforted by the fact that she wouldn’t be with me too long. I knew that I couldn’t be so close to another person so soon, I knew all too well how vulnerable being close to someone made you; yet here I was, having dinner with a stunning lady, anticipating the words that would only bring me closer to her.
“Well…” she started, “I came here after studying four years in college and never finding my calling. I decided to try the small town life, and it fits me. I like this town. My job helps people here, it’s a clash of excitement amongst the easy flow of my life here.”
She smiled at me, including me in the excitement of her life. I wanted to know more about her, I discovered to my intense surprise. I didn’t know how this was humanly possible, but I believed I was falling for this woman. Maybe it was the way her eyes sparkled when I spoke her name, or how she exuded honesty and genuine care for me.
After dinner, back at home by myself, I realized that I wanted to get up the next day and talk to her. I was inspired to actually do something more.

Chapter Seven - Unexpected

Kayleigh called me first, she called around noon, and said she couldn’t stand the thought of me sitting in the house all by myself, with no dinner to be made, nobody to talk to. She claimed she would come over at four, only if I wanted her company.
I told her I would like nothing more than for her to come over, and she could actually see my house instead of having to come investigate it.
She arrived promptly at four, in a purple top and white eyelet skirt. I thought she looked amazing, and told her so as soon as she was over the threshold. She held a large basket in one hand, and I asked her what it was for. She replied with, “Now Matthew, why on Earth would I invite myself over and not bring dinner?”
I smiled tentatively at her, pleased with the fact that she thought about me enough to make me dinner. Then again, I thought, maybe she just feels bad for my wife and child dying. She could be doing all of this out of sympathy. I didn’t dwell on that thought though. Kayleigh was able to pull my attention back to her, she just exuded so much happiness all the time; it was addicting.
We were sitting on the couch in the living room, one of the rooms not contaminated by the images of death.
“Matthew, have they found any leads on your attacker?” Kayleigh asked.
I was shocked by the direction our conversation had taken.
“Well, Kayleigh, you would probably know before I did. Don’t you work for the police station?”
“I wouldn’t know your case, Matthew. Now it would be considered of personal interest if I looked into your file.”
“Oh, personal interest? Why’s that? I thought that only applied when people were involved.”
Kayleigh blushed, and avoided making eye contact with me.
“Well, I don’t know how this is even possible Matthew, but I can’t help it. I find myself wanting to be with you, even though I was the person who pronounced your wife dead. Even though you just lost your daughter. Even though I know you have a whole grieving process to go through, and even though you’re a huge mystery that I can’t seem to figure out, I want to be with you.”
She seemed to gain more confidence as she talked, and she was looking into my eyes, straight into my soul, it seemed.
“Kayleigh, thank you so much. I thought I was the only one falling here.”
She smiled at me, and took my hands in hers.

~

Two weeks later, Kayleigh began to pry. She wanted to know where my sudden flashes of anger came from, and why I was so at peace with Elizabeth’s death already, even though I didn’t know who murdered her, or why. I couldn’t tell her that I knew, even though she wasn’t allowed to help the police with my case, I knew if I told her I knew who murdered my daughter, she would tell them. I hated keeping this from her, I wondered if I was turning into Haille.
I had to kill John Whitlock, soon. He was fucking with my new life now, as well. I wouldn’t have that.

Chapter Eight - The End

John was staying at the bed and breakfast in town. Thankfully, I knew the owners. They didn’t stay around the B&B much during the day, they believed in giving their guests time to relax without the owners bothering them. I had my plan, and I would follow through with it. I had a knife from the kitchen wrapped in a bandanna and slid down into my shoe. This was the only weapon I was taking with me, I wanted to make John suffer as much as possible. I arrived at the bed and breakfast at seven in the morning. I parked my car a full block away from the building, I didn’t want John to even be suspicious of me knowing where he was. I used the back entrance to the bed and breakfast, and located the room John was staying in. Everyone was downstairs at breakfast, so I didn’t have to worry about people seeing me. I would wait in John’s room until he returned from breakfast, finish the job, and be on with my life. I would spend as much time with Kayleigh as I could, and then I would end it with her when I needed to. I was sure I would be caught after I finished the deed.
Seven thirty.
Eight.
Eight thirty.
Nine.
I waited in his room, and he hadn’t come yet. Did it seriously take this long for breakfast?
I gazed out of the sliding glass doors to the balcony out of his room, watching the sky as the sun climbed it.
At that moment I heard footsteps on the stairs. I moved to the chair by the desk, I figured I wouldn’t care about surprising him. He would know that I was coming for him at some time.
He opened the door, and turned and closed it behind him.
“Hello, John.” I said calmly.
He turned in surprise. I saw both of his eyes were blackened still, healing bruises from a broken nose, suspected. He looked every bit as destructive as the person who attacked me, the person who killed my daughter, the person who inspired my wife to take her own life.
“Hello, Matthew,” he eventually responded.
“Shall we get this over with?” I asked. “I don’t have any reason for a preamble. You know why I’m here, I am going to take back what you took from me. My life, my reason. You have no reason for it.”
“Is that what’s going to happen, Matthew?” He replied.
I was mildly shocked that he could be so calm, when he knew his life was about to end.
I rose form the chair, and took my first steps towards him.
It happened quickly then.
He leapt through the air, launching himself at me. He pushed me up against the wall, and smiled at his own accomplishment, but he knew as well as I did that him cornering me didn’t phase me a bit.
I pushed him back, towards the center of the room.
That’s when he lost his balance.
I don’t know what caused him to fall, but he was falling, his head coming closer and closer to the sliding glass doors.
I heard the deafening crack as his head hit the glass, he slid to the floor. I could see blood start to come from his ears. I didn’t know what to do, so I ran. I ran all the way to my car, drove all the way home like a maniac, and didn’t stop to breathe until I had the doors locked.
I couldn’t believe it had been that easy, I hadn’t even done anything to him, thought I was sure he was dead or at least brain damaged.
It was more than I could have hoped for, I wasn’t guilty of taking his life, he had taken it of his own accord.
How could I have gotten so lucky?

Epilouge - Happiness
(WILL BE FINISHED THIS WEEKEND!!)

[159.]

2009-09-29T04:19:20Z

Once again, I have to pretend.
I have to act like you don't hurt me, like I don't see who you all really are.
You all are so fucking weak, and you can't stand up for yourselves.
So I must stand up for myself, yet pretend i'm weak enough for you all to break me.
I will have you all fooled until the last minute,
And when I leave this horrible school.
You all will be the ones without lives.
You all will be the ones who are sorry.
You all will wish that you had thought of how wonderful I am sooner.

I am better than all of you.

And you, Robert Allan Nielsen.
Have no balls. You cannot admit anything unless it's pulled out of you.
I will refuse to let you see that I love you.
You are weak, and I want to fix you.
That is why I am so attached to you.
I want you to be as strong as me, so that I can be with you.
But I know, somewhere in my heart, that you will never be the man I need you to be.
So, little by little, I will let you go.
You should have loved me when you had the chance.
I will NOT get my hopes up.
I will NOT trust you any more than I trust Ally.
I will NOT let you get to me.
I will NOT let you ruin my life.
I deserve so much better than what you can give me.

Thank you, Patrick and Wesley and Brandon.
You guys are true friends, you guys let me know that it is okay to let go, and you will be here to help see me through it.
Anyone else who still can gain my trust, consider yourself lucky.
I must see some good in you.

I only have to deal with you for two-hundred and thirty two more days.
I am strong enough for this.

[158.]

2009-09-28T05:17:18Z

"Isolate me from the world so it's only easier for you to break me down."

That is one hundred percent true.
I'm done.
I deserve so much more than what you're giving me.

[157.]

2009-09-24T02:22:13Z

Who is the most inspiring teacher you ever had and why? How often do you think about what they taught you? How has it changed your life?

View 926 Answers

The most inspiring teachers I've ever had...
Well Eric Hulen is probably my absolute favorite, I had him for AP US history last year, and he taught me how to develop my own leaning/thoughts in polotics, and I found a great guy. Honestly. Like we would argue back and forth, and I'd be like "well I think..." and then list all of the reasons AND have fact backing up my opinion. He loved that about me.
He also taught me a lot about high school relationships, we talked about relationships a lot in that class haha. He loves independent women so he loved having me in class.
He's taught me so so much more but it's just more about like feelings, and relationships, and developing myself further as a person.
I think about everything he taught me very often, almost every day. I go and see him after school sometimes, and we just chat and chat and chat. I miss having his class.
He has helped make me a better version of myself.

There's also Mr.O.
Phil Olivas! well, what can I say about him? He's my band director, and in my opinion he's the best band director ever. He has faith in me, and pushes me so that I can improve and improve. He's the teacher I've spent the most time with, I've known him since my freshman year, and have spent more and more time with him over the past four years. This year, I'm his student assistant, in Chamber Winds, and in Marching Band.
Even though he can really piss me off, he's one of the best teachers I've ever had. He's taught me a lot about music, and has helped me further my passion for it.
I always think about what Mr.O teaches me, because I spend every freaking day except Sunday with him. Sometimes I get Saturdays off, when we aren't in marching season I see him every other day [except this year cause I have Music Theory.]
he has the best analogies to make anyone understand his points, haha.

There is also Mac.
He has pushed me to improve my writing.
and I'm writing so much more now, like we're doing a short story in creative writing and i'm already on Chapter Four when the rest of the class just finished writing their second chapters.
He's told me that i'm a very intense writer, yet I can easily make people see what I want them to see in my writing.
His class is my one of my favorites, and though I've only had his class for two months, he's made a massive impact on me.

That's it!
haha.
Funny how I picked all guys.
I love Mrs.Jungling and Mrs.Morin but those three have taught me the most.

[153.]

2009-09-14T05:40:27Z

Such a beautiful song!

"Selfish"

I just don't understand
Why you're running from a good man baby
Why you wanna turn your back on love
Why you've already given up
See I know you've been hurt before
But I swear I'll give you so much more
I swear I'll never let you down
Cause I swear it's you that I adore
And I can't help myself babe
Cause I think about you constantly
and my heart gets no rest over you

You can call me selfish
But all I want is your love
You can call me hopeless (hopeless)
Cause I'm hopelessly in love
You can call me unperfect
But who's perfect?
Tell me what do I gotta do
To prove that I'm the only one for you
What's wrong with being selfish?

I'll be taking up your time
Until the day I make you realize
That for your there could be no one else
I just gotta have you for myself
Baby I would take good care of you
No matter what it is you're going through
I'll be there for you when you're in need
Baby believe in me
If love was a crime
Then punish me
I would die for you
Cause I don't want to live without you
Oh what can I do?

You can call me selfish
But all I want is your love
You can call me hopeless (hopeless)
Cause I'm hopelessly in love
You can call me unperfect
But who's perfect?
Tell me what do I gotta do
To prove that I'm the only one for you

Why do you keep us apart
Why won't you give up your heart
You know that we're meant to be together
Why do you push me away
All that I want is to give you love
Forever and ever and ever and ever

You can call me selfish
But all I want is your love
You can call me hopeless (hopeless)
Because I'm hopelessly in love
You can call me unperfect
But who's perfect?
Tell me what do I gotta do
To prove that I'm the only one for you

Selfishly I'm in love with you
Cause I've searched my soul
and know that it's you
Selfishly I'm in love with you
Cause I've searched my soul
and know that it's you
Selfishly I'm in love with you
Cause I've searched my soul
and know that it's you..

To prove that I'm the only one for you
So what's wrong with being selfish, selfish, selfish, selfish...
So what's wrong with being selfish...

Though I replace the 'he's' and the 'good man' with good woman, etc. :P
hahah.
GUESS WHO ITS BY.
Just guess.

...

give up?
Nsync.
I know.
I'm extremely lame.
But I love this song!
Well this entire CD.
Tell Me, Tell Me Baby... is my favorite though.
I've been listening to my boy band CDs often these days.
Anyways.
Subject change.

This week was alright. It was really kinda stressful, AP bio is the hardest class I've ever taken. I honestly don't have time for it. I can't dedicate that much of my time to one subject. It's like two hours [at least] of homework that I have to do every other night, and I'm always exhausted when I get home from band. Not to mention I also have AP stats homework to do that night.
I love my black days though.
Chambers, Speech, Student Asst., Pysch.
Purple days, not so much.
AP bio, Speech, Creative Writing [love that one], AP stats.
I guess i'll work it out though.
Whatev.

I'm going to get my homecoming dress this weekend.
I'm also going to the movies with Bobby on Saturday, we're going to go see Jennifer's Body.
Patrick and I are gonna hang out at some point.
I'm also hoping to dye my hair. Maybe i'll do that on Thursday, it's a half day.
I don't know what all I'm doing at homecoming. I know i'm saving Sam a dance [even if she is on crutches she will dance with me] and one for Bobby since we didn't get to dance together at prom. I'm saving one for Stevie as well. The poor thing just got his heart broken by this girl he was really into.
I feel bad for him. But I gotta keep goin and that's just what I'm doin.

I have relinquished my love affair with Eminem. haha.
I love his music so much, and he's so sexy.
haha.
:D
I'm in a good mood.
but I can't sleep.
I am going ot get a head start on this AP bio bs.
night.
<33

[152.]

2009-09-07T02:34:01Z

Ah, movie night. Except for the drama Ally caused, I had a great time.
That was just Friday, and I had a blast well minus the Ally drama.
Wes saw it too so i'm not overreacting!

Saturday was my lazy day, and then today I got up at eight to go bowling.
I went with Patrick, Wes, Connie, and Jonathan.
It was so much fun!
You have NO IDEA how much easier it is to hang out with people that are outside of high school, there's no drama! Unless you cound Pat and Wes hitting eachother lol.
And Pat saying Wes doesn't have a butt [he lies!]
haha.
I bowled a 145! that's the highest I've bowled in my life!
and I beat Wes, haha.
I very much like the kid, he's so considerate and loving and just so darn cute when he's with his man!
:D:D:D:D:D:D
I couldn't stop smiling all day.
Because I'm so happy for them!

Now I just gotta get me a man!
Which I hopefully am sometime this week.
Miranda is going to talk to him for me, and be like "Hey kayde likes you, ask her out!"
I HOPE IT WORKS.
he's so darn cuuuuute.
and nerdy.
and adorable!
and caring.
and random.
awwwh. kay ill shut up now.

Tomorrow.
Parade and then dress shopping with Connii [girls day!]
yay! :D

Oh.
Wes and I [and Pat as long as he's here] is gonna go see Zombieland!
IM SO EXCITEDDDDDD.

This has been a great weekend.

[149.]

2009-08-20T05:54:36Z

Tomorrow is my first day as a senior in high school.
go me!

I'll post tomorrow on how it goes, and how band went. -rolls eyes-

HAVE FUN AT COLLEGE PATRICK.
I already miss you bunches.

[148.]

2009-08-15T07:25:45Z

If you were to open your own theme restaurant, what would the theme be and how would you express it to the customers?

View 506 Answers

Toni and I discussed this, we want a Mediterranean[sp?] feel to our restuarant.
and she'd do the main dishes, i'd do appetizers and desserts.
Idk how we'd express it.

Though.
I do want my book shop.
With the "home-style" cafe in it.
With home-made pastries and cakes and all that yummy stuff, and home-brewed coffee and special drinks.
yes.
that's what I want.

[141.]

2009-07-30T10:47:09Z

I quite honestly have the best friends I could ever ask for.
I'm not even kidding you.
I'm so excited with whatever happens in my life now, because I know that I have this solid foundation of friendship there.
I know it's there, and it's not going to go away.
It feels like...
like having a real family.

I love you guys.<33

[i'm doing myspace boxes later. yessiree. :D]
but.
first.
SLEEPY TIME.
sheeeyt im so tired!
hopefully going to Connie's tomorrow to watch Knowing.
:D
OH.
AND I HAVE TO PACK FOR THIS WEEKEND.

I won't be online Friday, Saturday, or Sunday.
Well maybe Friday during the first half of the day.

anyways.
Connie took my wonderfully fucking AMAZING senior pics.
they're sooooo good.
I don't think i'm even going to do anymore. :/
I mean I already am having sooo much trouble picking just one from the ones Connie did.
Anyway.
I need to do a friend photoshoot.
With Samantha.
Yes.

I shall quit babbling now, yes?
Goodnight.

[128.]

2009-06-26T21:42:03Z

R.I.P. Erik.

Today is the two year anniversary of his death, and it's still resonant, that he's not here anymore. I know I wasn't as close to him as other people were, but he was still a presence in my life.
I remember when he used to sit behind me in history and i'd let him copy my answers when Alisha, Erik, and I would get into a conversation and they wouldn't have the work done. I remember when he asked Mrs.Paige to marry him, and he had made that paper ring.
I remember in our 8th grade year when he was dating Brittani, and on halloween night they got into that huge fight and Robin, Ally, and Alisha all told him to break up with Brittani and not date her anymore, that she wasn't good enough for him [even though Ally and Alisha only said this because they liked him] And he asked me for advice at Brittani's party because he didn't know who to believe.
Take note that I was still madly in love with Brittani, but I told Erik to go and try to make up with her; because it would make him happy.
Nonetheless, Ally and Alisha and Robin had to get involved and spread rumors around the school about Erik and Brittani so they broke up shortly after that little ordeal.
I remember in ninth grade when Erik used to make fun of Ally, and we would all get mad at him and tell him to stop [god knows Ally had been through enough of the "monkey" bullshit from Arielle.]
It's just, bewildering.
Knowing that he was robbed of life when he shouldn't have been.
I regret not going to his funeral.
Even though Connie hated me and said she would "kick my ass" if I went to the funeral, I regret not going. I know that I didn't go because I didn't want to bring that kind of hostility around when people were mourning him, that wouldn't be fair to his memory or to his family and friends.
I still think it sucks that I didn't get to really say goodbye though.

I remember when I got the phone call, Lizi had left me a voicemail, I was up camping at the time and she said "I know that you knew him, and well, i'm just gonna say it...Erik died."
And I remember standing in that gas station in Buena Vista, crying, and holding my phone and just staring at it...thinking 'That's not true, I bet Erik was playing a trick on all of us and he's perfectly fine'
My mom asked me why I was crying and I said "Erik died." and that made it final, saying it outloud like that.
And the ensuing drama that came directly after it.
The only goodbye I ever gave him was the note I wrote on my window and it says:
"R.I.P. Erik Joseph Mittler.
I wasn't in love with you, and I wasn't your best friend, but I do miss you. I like to believe that where you are now is a million times better than here. I know that even if you would have been on this earth longer, it wouldn't have made it any less difficult when you did leave.
Even though we can't see you anymore, I know your presence is still here.
You are loved and missed."
My mom asked me why don't I erase it, it's been in my window for almost two years, and I can't erase it.
It's the only goodbye that I ever got to give him.
I thank Lizi for talking to me about Erik last week, it really did help, knowing the anniversary was coming up and whatnot. Thank you Lizikins.
Now, some pictures that were taken during eighth grade, I remember this day, it was during lunch. I can't believe it's been over two years...

[125.]

2009-06-22T06:55:05Z

HAY, HAY LOOK.

http://twitter.com/kaydeecyanide

I has twitter.
:)

[114.]

2009-06-05T08:56:02Z

Best movie everrrr. <33
Man, I am so obsessed with this film and I don't really know why.
Maybe its this actor -- Gaspard Ulliel.
He's so sexyyy.
Even when he's eating people's faces. :D

Observe:

YUMMMMYYYYY.
Anyways, everybody should watch Hannibal Rising, it's a veryyy good movie.
You know what movie I haven't seen in AGES that I want to see? The Hamiltons!
I love that fucking movie.
But it got deleted from my TV.
Sad day. :(

So onto other subjects, I'm really bored and i really NEED to go to bed right now but I just don't feel tired and it's ticking me off.
I've been so bored in the past two hours that i've painted my fingernails and toenails purple and did blue french tips and stars on my big toes.
yup.
took me about fourty five minutes to do it all and now I've been sitting here for about an hour waiting for my nails to dry. Blehhh.
I hate not being tired.
And apparently Ariel is coming over tomorrow so I can dye her hair, so I can't sleep in. mhm.
Alright.
I believe I shall try to get some sleep now.
...wish me luck!
haha.

OH AND.
whoever isn't doing something tomorrow night...we should hang out so i'm not stuck in the house on a friday night kay?
kay.
:D

[111.]

2009-06-02T01:57:02Z

It's the first day of the month. If you could have one wish come true this month, what would it be?

View 502 Answers

For her to pick me.
plain and simple.

[109.]

2009-05-30T00:05:10Z

oh hell to the fuck no.
Sarah Eslinger; not going to get my man.
HAHAHAH.
Mhm, she's talking to Adam and attempting to flirt with him.
Ya not going to work, at all.

Oh, and he couldn't come over yesterday because he was working, he is working today too.

Hung out with Patrick all day yesterday, and most of today until I got grounded.
I really love hanging out with Patrick and being over at his house, it feels like i'm a part of the family.
I'm glad that we are hanging out more and getting closer, I've missed him more than I realized I have. I've been trying to come up with substitutes for him and how close I've been to him because I know that he's leaving soon and I know it's going to hurt me when I don't freaking see him all the time.
But i'm cherishing the time I have with him now, I don't care how much it's going to hurt later it'll be worth it.
And it's not like he's leaving forever. He's still gonna visit me -- or i'll kill him.
haha.
:D

And now I have a crazy ass sunburn from tanning on Patrick's trampoline haha.
now I have a wonderful weekend ahead of me.
peace.

[104.]

2009-05-21T03:46:39Z

My, my.

This is a pickle.

I have some crazy ass love pentagon going on right now.
I'll let you know the outcome.

For those of you that will recognize this from the poem last year, I might get my angel...

PS. last day of school tomorrow then i'm a SENIOR.

[098.]

2009-05-12T05:50:32Z

Ugggh. I hate waiting.
I'm so fucking impatient, it's terrible.
I'm not even kidding, I hate hate HATE waiting.
like, I have ten days of school left, and I hate waiting for it to be done.
I hate waiting for Patrick to go off to college, get new friends, and leave me alone.
I hate waiting for fucking Adam to grow a pair and just "hit it and quit it" - because that's all I want from him.
I hate waiting for the weekend to come, only for it to go too fast.
I hate waiting for summer when I know that the moment it gets here, it's going to be more waiting for someone to make plans with me.

I HATE WAITING. It's so so terrible.
haha.
anyways.
I'm talking to Patrick on the phone so I really can't remember half of the things I was going to put in this freaking thing, HAHA.
I do remember though, I was looking at bras today...and I was looking on Victoria's Secrets' website and they had NO D cups, whatsoever. on fucking VICTORIA'S SECRETS. wtf. Pissed me off, so I looked on Kohl's website, and NOTHING. fuuuck that bullshit.
sooooo.
I look at hottopic and guess what?
D-cups EVERYWHERE.
Yeah.
I loveeee them.
I am SO shopping there, it's cheap too.
Annd.
This Saturday, Nikki is having a party and she invited me and Adam to go, and said that we couuld both stay the night b/c people would be drinkinggg.
So yes, Party.
OHMYGODDD. but like, he said that he might have a "graduation party" to go to. ugggh. But.
I say that...staying the night with me is muuch better than a graduation party.
mhm.
Annnd I need money to freaking buy lingerie before Saturdayyyy. D:
hahah.
But, idk how i'm going to pull that one off.
Maybe i'll save up my lunch monies and have Connii take me, because I know she'll give me an honest to god opinion on how I look in it. ;]
but yes.
idk.
ill figure something out.

Patrick is reading me his yearbook things haha.
but.
I forgot what else I was going to put in here. :/
damn.
alriiight.
im going to talk to Patrick now.

[097.]

2009-05-10T04:57:06Z

Mmmmm. Amaretto + OrangeMangoPeach juice = heaven.
It's great to fucking unwind after these past two crazy ass days.
But, today was a great day. I love Connii, even when we're totally pissed off at the world and everyone in it, we can hang out with eachother and it makes things sooo much better. A person's presense rarely does that to me, but with Connii it's like that. It's amazing.
Her hair turned out amazing, though my hand is black and my wrist is burgundy now, haha. :D
Everything works out. :D
I'm so excited for her Jonathan to come on Friday, as is she. I just know this is what she's deserved, what she's been waiting for, for SO LONG and she finally gets it this Friday. I'm so proud of her for finding this great man, and picking him over that trivial boy.
We have this plan for "us girls" [meaning Her, me, Cece, and Sam] go out to dinner together, because Sam hasn't met either of them and I've only met Cece once and well, all four of us best friends should hang out.
Well, me and Connii being best friends and Connii and Cece being best friends and me and Sam being best friends. I think it's an essential thing to have a best friend in the same school you go to, it makes going there soooo much easier, you have no clue.
Like with Sam having been sick this past week and out of school for the ENTIRE week [granted I didn't go on monday or wednesday either...] but without her there, it's so much harder to just get up and go in the morning, knowing that there's more people in that building that wouldn't know or cared if I died [or would take the grief as their own if I died and would have insisted that they knew me, and cared about me when I would know, as would anyone close to me would know, that they didn't know me or didn't care. or both.] It's just hard to think that it's a solid fact in a school of over one thousand kids that there's that many that don't care, because they are so focused on their own lives.
I will never, ever become that way. I could never dissapear from the lives of those that I care about, or focus too much on myself to care about anyone else in my life. I have always put other people in my life first; and i'm fucking proud of that. As a seventeen year old girl, I care more about the other people in my life than myself.
Anyways; so back to today.
I walked up to Sunrise to wait for Connnii, because I HATE being in my house. Yesterday my dad came home and screamed at both me and kyle for over an hour about how we're 'lazy' and we 'do nothing around the house' and we're both 'flunking out of high school' and how I just 'want to fuck every boy that I know' and whatnot. The list goes on, but I'd rather care to not remember it. So after he yelled for over an hour, I just locked myself in my bedroom and went to sleep. That was at seven o'clock.
Mom asked me at seven thirty if I was going to eat, but the last time he yelled at me and then I locked myself in my room and I came downstairs to dinner, he yelled at me some more and he knew I couldn't just walk back upstairs because I was in the middle of dinner. I wasn't going to give him that chance, so I went to bed hungry.
I didn't really care that much.
So this morning I asked him if I could see Connii, for help with "homework". I said I had an essay to write on Frankenstein. He said I could as long as I did dishes, so I did and then I left at noon.
Anyways.
We ventured to Chapel Hills and then back to Connii's house to dye her hair.
I was honestly afraid for her mom to see me, afraid that she'd be like "ew I hate you" or something. D:
I know; childish and crazy for me to think, but I thought it.
But all was well.
Connii's hair turned out gorgeous and I came home late and DID NOT get in trouble.
Mom asked my why I was late; I told her that I had to drop off my Frankenstein book at Arielle's house....which I really do need to do, I know how to annontate like a freaking pro and Arielle is terrible at it, so I told her that she could borrow my book for it, so I need to take it to her. I'll probably just do it on Monday morning.

Tomorrow morning we might go out for breakfast at Village Inn, since it's Mother's Day and all. I don't really believe in celebrating this day, I don't think its all terribly important, but mom does so whatev. I guess we're going out in the morning.
OH AND.
Brandon is an excellent man friend.
He is so caring, and so sweet.
On Thursday, I told him that I felt that he was one of the few people who could lift my mood, because I had been having such a fucking sucky week.
Adam ignoring me, Patrick freaking out, home problems, my jaw, my hand going numb, finding out there's no possible way for me to pass french, Sam being gone from school all week, feeling like I'm getting sick, not talking to Connii for more than like...five minutes online.
Just a whole bunch of bs adding up that made my week terrible.
So I told him that I felt he could lift my mood, and he was like 'Awh My Kayde, what's wrong?'
awwh. <33
So I told him everrrrrrything that was going on.
and then I asked him about work, and how life is going for him; because I can't stand being the center of the conversation. I don't like the attention being on me because I care about other people so much and I just want to know how they are doing and how their life is...all of that.
And he just kept completely ignoring all of the questions I was asking him and kept asking me about my week, how I was doing, how things in my life were affecting me, what he could do to help.
All of that.
And then he stopped commenting me back, and today when I got home there was this comment from him saying "Hey you, how are you feeling today?<3"
Awh. how fucking sweet.
Not only did he listen to me when I was being selfish and caring about what was going on in my life [which I felt TERRIBLE for. I was having panic attacks and everything over very municipal things and I hate having to focus on myself just because I really don't like being selfish] but he checked up on me to see how I was doing.
I thought that was so sweet.
He is a great friend to me.
As are Connii and Sam.
Both of them knew I was upset and gave me genuine advice...and Sam insisted on kicking everyone's ass for me haha. :D
But, I'm so entirely blessed to have such great friends in my life and I'm so glad that I have them in my life.

Oh, and you really know you're someone's best friend when you can talk about masturbation together. HAHAH.
That's what Sam and I talked about on Thursday night.
And we both decided that it was a very very good thing that we were born as girls, because our minds in boys bodies. would deff not work out HAHAH.
Like she said, if she got a boner in public and some girl was looking at it she'd be like "you wanna ride on it, 'cause you sure are checking it out." HAHAHAH.
man, I love Sam.
I so hope she's better by monday.
We only have two weeks left.
Less than two weeks left, then we're OUT of that fucking hell hole and onto glorious summer.
I think I want to wait until they build the Chipotle down here and apply there, and if it's not built by the time I get my lisence, i'll apply elsewhere.
But I really want to work close to home.

Anyways.
Connii has thorougly gotten me obsessed with A Perfect Circle.
There's always one of their songs playing in her car and I've had 'Orestes' stuck in my head ever since this afternoon.
That and 'Sleeping Beauty'.
Mannn.
Beautiful band.
Thank you Connii for exposing me to beautiful music. :D
We have so many plans for this week!!!
Thursday - Dinner.
And sometime this week, probably going to see Star Trek.
Maybe this weekend when Jonathan is here?
I CANT BELIEVE ITS THIS WEEKEND!
i'm so extaticccc for Connii :D:D:D
And.
Bowling at some point with Adam and Jonathan.
goood timeees. :D

Alright, i'll stop babbling on here and get some sleep.
Connii is already offline, talking to her man and i've only stayed on this long because Brandon is still online HAHAH.
Goodnight.
<33

[096.]

2009-05-07T06:00:49Z

So, even though he's been ignoring me the past few days, I still want his body.
Yes indeed I want his body.
HAHAH.
Like on Monday when Matt and I were sitting there in the gym [after I sat next to Adam and he walked away.] I was watching him play this basketball game, and I was stealing glances at his stomach; because everytime he'd go to shoot a basket his shirt would lift up and I could see that stomach that has been sculpted by gods. HAHAHAH.

anyways.
My mom made a good point, she said if he thinks you're intrested, then you need to play hard to get now.
So that's what i'm going to do.
I'm not going to try to talk to him, i'm not going to let it it seem like him not talking to him bothers me, because in all honesty it doesn't bother me that much.
The only thing i'm afraid of is that he's changed his mind, which, if you know me by now, that's a legit reason to be scared.
It's happened to me too many times in the past, and i'm afraid of it happening again.
ESPECIALLY with indulgences of the flesh. :O
I know, i'm not supposed to get attached.
And i'm just worried about that one thing really.
It scares me.

So, onto today.
I woke up and my hand was tingling, i thought maybe i just slept on it wrong and it'd go away in the few minutes when blood circulated to it; it stayed numb for six hours.
And my jaw kept popping out of place and it gave me this terrible headache. So I stayed home, and dad took me to the chiropractor at like three thirty.
They took x-rays and i go in tomorrow for my adjustment.
but im scareddd. I hate when they have to crack your jaw back into place. D:
But if it maeks me feel better i'm okay.
anyways.
goodnight.
I get to see him in the morning.<33

[095.]

2009-05-05T23:06:11Z

and it's when I have sucky days like this that i'm so thankful for having wonderful friends like Connii and Sam.

Sunday was amazing; bowling is always fun.
Except I have to go with Adam at some point; when he stops being a fuckass.
yes.

Anyways.
Lookit this, this is real friendship right hurr:

The rest of this week should go smoothly, I don't want to have a day as bad as this one again.

[094.]

2009-05-03T05:03:31Z

Not a good plan.
hahaha.
And by that, I mean asking my mom if it was okay for me to stay at Pat's again. She now thinks that there's "something going on" between me and Patrick. That's the only thing that could possibly explain why i'd want to stay at his house two nights in a row.
Really? REALLY?
Whatever. She is so fucking stupid. If she tries to say I can't hang out with Patrick anymore, i'll tell her i've been fucking Sam for the past three months in the school bathroom and that's why i'm so happy. Let's see what she thinks about that.
No, I wouldn't really tell her that. But Sam did tell me I could say I was w/her if it made my mom back off. Haha. I love Sam, she's so sick though and needs to get better ASAP.
So does Adam.

Anyways.
Back to my crazy mother...
She said that it's not Patrick that she doesn't trust, that it's me. Like i'm still in love with him or something.
Which i'm totally NOT.
And really? If Patrick wanted to take advantage of me, he already would have.
I mean god, we can shower while the other person is over at the other's house. That's best friendship right there haha.
And really? Me and Patrick? EVER? nah man.
I can't even picture it, at all.
And like I told Patrick, I think that it's because of this whole Adam situation and me not thinking that sex is that big of a deal that she's doing this and its really fucking sucky that it's reflecting on mine and Patrick's friendship.
And then he had to say that he's only hanging out with me before he goes to college. GREAT. He had to remind me that he's going to college. :(
I'm honestly still so scared about that. Because whenever we want to hang out, it's just like a phone call of 'hey what're you doing?' then 'i'll be there in a few.' and that's it. With him at college, we can't do that.
Unless it's like "i'll be there in an hour or so." :(
I know i'm going to miss him like crazy, but i'll survive. I can't change it and it's a part of growing up...so i'll make the best of it.
But I can't believe my mom would say that.
Would even suggest that there's something going on with me and Patrick, just because I was going to stay the night at his house again.
I mean god, we don't even sleep in the same room when I stay over there.
She's fucking ridiculous.
Anyways.

Connii spoils me.
She bought me this ridiculously amazing shirt today.
And Burger King.
But that's not the best part; her buying me stuff. Because her and I are both not materialistic people.
Every time we talk, every time we hang out, we get closer. Even though some of the things we talk about are very repetative, it's okay because we can listen to eachother talk about our repetative things and be excited, STILL. haha.
I love having a best friend like Connii, I really do. She's such a great friend to me and I feel blessed to have her in my life. She deserves the best this world can offer; and in thirteen days she's going to get that!!!
As long as everything works out, which it will. I'm positive it will.
Tomorrow is bowling, i'm so excitedddd. :D
YAY BOWLING.

I didn't get to write anything tonight,since I didn't get home until eight and then all that bullshit with my mom happened.
But I shall write something soon, Connnii read some lyrics I wrote today and she likes them.
yayayyay. :D
Today was an amazing day, tomorrow shall be amazing as well.
Well, minus the whole scary crazy mother part. HAHA.

[093.]

2009-05-02T19:54:32Z

Well, well.
KAYDESTOPBEINGSOFUCKINGPARANOID.
goddamn.
I scare myself sometimes with how paranoid I get.

-just because he read the message and didn't reply...even though you sent it yesterday afternoon.
DOESNT MEAN ANYTHING.

Kay.
i'm cool
i'm calm
i'm collected.

anyways.
Last night was fun.
I miss getting out of the house.
And Carl's Jr. at nine in the morning is always a plus.

About to go hang out with Connii.
And when I get home, HOPEFULLY he will have messaged me back so I can see about our plans tomorrow.
That are supposedly still happening.
I hope they do.

Anyways.
i'm off here.
before Connii comes and i'm still in the basement lol.

[i'll post something epic tonight; this weather inspires me to write.]

PS. Get the fuck over it.
You've lost the only people that ever really gave a fuck about you.
And yes, fighting over LJ is rather immature.
Hence why this is not an attempt at arguing; it's a goodbye.
You're a person I refuse recognize anymore.

[085.]

2009-04-20T04:44:31Z

Adventures in Colorado.
WOO.

Today was exciting and fun, and then i got all akfjdflks but it's okay because things work out. :)
Cece is really beautiful. I think she looks gorgeous w/o makeup.
And they all look so similar!
But they act totalllly different.
I love how Cece pays so much attention to the little details.
It's really cool, she's such a neat person.
Taylor is a boy in a twenty year old's body. I think he has a very young soul, probably younger than what his body is.
Julia is really pretty.
Their dogs are FREAKS. haha.

anyways.
Woodland Park was fun, i'm glad I met Cece.
&&driving with Connii is fun!
We talk about a lot of stuff.
Some of it is stuff we've already said, but it's okay.
Manitou was fun.
We sat in front of the library. :)
lol we looked @ these cottages and some lady got all paranoid because HEAVEN FORBID we're teenagers.
lol wtf.
anyways.
Today was considered a success.
BUT I FORGOT TO GIVE CONNII HER BROWNIE. D:
i'll make her a batch and take them to her sometime.
yes?
yes.

Tomorrow should be amazing too.
Going to the mall with beautiful Samantha Siedler. :D
Then Brandon's taking me to the movies.
funfunfunfun. :D
I can't remember if I had homework, oh well.

[084.]

2009-04-19T18:30:54Z

People who enter the Witness Protection Program have to change their names. If you were in that situation, which new name would you choose?

Sponsored by "In Plain Sight" on USA Network. Season 2 premieres Sunday, April 19 at 10/9C.

View 500 Answers

Elizabeth Ice Gallner.
Yup.
Just what I came up with off the top of my head.

:D
I love 'ice' for a middle name.
idk why.
Sam and I were discussing it at contest when ironically, it was hailing outside.
anywayss.
:D

WOO OFF TO THE MOUNTAINS W/CONNI-LA I GO!
:D